19/ Being Gay
These diary entries tell of a man who travelled from one continent to the other, searching for fulfilment. From Brighton in England to Bondi Beach and many other places in Australia, he searched for the good life. Finally he found what he was looking for, love, peace, joy and a purpose in life. The following diary entries and letters speak for themselves.
James' Diary Entries
3rd October, 1996
This won't have a beginning as I'm sure it cannot have an end. I guess I could start with trivialities; it's the 3rd October 1996, 8 p.m in Byron Bay, Australia and I suppose I'm feeling extremely fortunate to have found the answer to life. It seems as though I've been searching forever. As far back as I can remember, over my 25 years of existence, I know that whatever I was doing, there
remained a desolate yearning inside me. Never did I settle or feel "at one" with the world and all its distractions. Maybe I've always been too much of a thinker, a worrier - perhaps even a bit of a philosopher. Whatever I try to analyse myself as, let me just say that I'm so relieved that I pushed my probing mind to its limits - in all situations continuously asking "why" and desiring more. I think we all ask and wonder.
Surely there is more to life than what the world offers: school, recreation, work (or not work), eat, maybe friends, (maybe not), then all the other things in between before death. Then what? Some people say they believe in life, death and then nothing. That's your lot! Well, I'm sorry, but those of us who resign themselves to that way of thought have allowed themselves to become comfortable in a very uncomfortable place. What if there is something else - something that all those people are preventing themselves from finding. Or maybe they are being prevented?
O.K - enough is enough, I'm not going to spin on in riddles and try hard philosophical waffle. It's been a strange life up till now. But I can honestly say that as I glance around this "Bunkhouse Backpackers" in the heart of hippy-ville, amongst all the New Age neurosis and surface beliefs about peace and the inner-self - yes here amongst the searching souls, stoned or drunk, here as everyone either tries to forget about themselves or desperately find themselves, I sit calm in the knowledge that "the self" is not the answer. I'm probably sounding smug and condescending, but for someone who was more lost than the best of them, who not more than 6 months ago was standing, in a state of drug induced madness on Bondi Beach rocks, ready to throw himself off, I feel a certain amount of liberty to be rejoicing. The "answer" is a free gift for each one of us. It took me almost 25 years to accept that gift.
October 4th 1996
There are of course days when I feel low. Today is one of those days. The whole of humankind is on an emotional roller coaster I'm sure; some maybe never reach the purest highs of life, if they themselves are too weighed down by a baggage of bad feelings they simply cannot shake off. I have always been a very up and down guy. I always used to think I was highly strung or over-sensitive. Perhaps it was that missing link in my life that I was always seeking. The link of course, being Jesus - providing communion once again with God. Well, now when the lows start to take control, I like to think I'm in a better position to handle them. After all, God is always God - He's not going to change. But I (we) are always changing all the time. These days I usually try to analyse why those good ol' blues or bouts of depression hit me, before they start to eat away. The Bible says 'be joyful always". It's hard to do when you look around at the state of the world. When you ask Christ into your life, sometimes I think you're expecting an answer to all of life's problems.
What we're supposed to remember is that now we are "God's children". Jesus has shown that He will never leave or forsake me. It's easy to forget this, when you arrive in a place as distressing as "Surfer's Paradise"! I never was one for tacky bars, neon lights and drink-as-much-as-you-can parties, even when I was into the drugs and drink world. But now, seeing the scale of things, as God sees it, my spirit sinks. When I see the dirty, pot-bellied, beer-guzzling men and hear their foul cursing and jibes at the heavily made-up, bleach-haired bar girls, I feel burdened. It may only be 4 in the afternoon and already the majority cannot speak properly due to the amount of alcohol they have consumed. Why is everyone so lost? Yes, I'm disgusted by what I see, but for the people I just feel a surge of desperation and sadness. How did they get like this?
Why was I once like that? We think it's fun to get drunk, to smoke, to party all the time, to sleep with whoever we want to. But why do we think it's fun? It's awful! Everywhere you look, people tell you it's okay. Every magazine, T.V advertisement, every billboard; we're bred on it - lies! Sometimes I think I must be insane to believe in something so pure and seemingly simple. But I know I'm not insane. I'm clinging to the only promise that gives me any hope at all. The promise of God. It's true the world can only offer death - physical, but certainly spiritual also. So I can be joyful always - joyful in the knowledge that I belong to God and not this strange and sordid place I'm "visiting". But I can also feel a sense of remorse for those who have not yet understood the spiritual world. Lord I pray for those souls. I pray they will be drawn to your light. And lets face it, for every sprawling man-made jungle such as "Surfers", somewhere along the track will be an incredibly beautiful place of God's creation.
October 7th
I'm sitting on the wooden verandah of the "Halse Lodge" in Noosa Heads, staring out into the rain, listening to the live version of Eric Clapton's "Tears In Heaven". The song reminds me of a testimony of one of my friends about the death of their baby. He told me he needed to push on and not live in the past and thus in sorrow.
I think we all hang onto the past and it is easy to forget that Jesus forgives, in our eyes, the most dire of human acts. In God's eyes however, there is not gradient of sin - and once washed, always washed. So, when the memories of past sins come back to haunt and torment you, just stay focused on God's promises to us. The only thing the devil holds against us are our memories. Rebuke those thoughts and remind yourself, that in Christ we are new creations, born again in God's vision.
It's been a fairly eye-opening trip so far. Byron Bay was a haven for the soul searches. Nimbin was quite simply a 70s time-trap enveloped in a fog of marijuana. Coloundra and Noosa Heads were picturesque and yet almost clinical. Finally Brisbane and Surfer's Paradise were nothing but concrete tourist traps. How can I be so blunt and blase about places I'm sure the residents would be up in arms to defend, well here's my view point. Scenery, coastlines, trees, sky-scrapers, they're all beautiful in whatever part of the country or the world you choose to examine. But - the place is often full of people trying to offer you things or take from you, and that's world wide! We all try to buy and sell happiness, depending upon the amount of marketing and grab-tactics. Some places seem really soulless. I guess I'm much more aware of people as I'm travelling this time. Sometimes the world really looks like cardboard, it's so temporary and here we are on this planet - a mere stepping stone into the eternal existence that follows. I try to pose this question to as many people as I can:
"What if there really is a God, who created us? We choose to follow our own desires instead of His perfect plan for each of us, but we're destroying the earth and ourselves. Supposing the only point to us residing here on this world is to rediscover our Creator and get to know Him and His truth. In which case, all the worldly pursuits we chose after all mean very little, or nothing, because when they're all gone, if we didn't discover God, then what will our eternity consist of?"
I've been praying for my travel companions. Of course I trust that Catherine truly has accepted Jesus as her Saviour. But the others - well you can't be sure. You can never judge the depths of someone's heart, so it's best just to pray and hope that in some way your own lifestyle is a testimony. Seb is Catholic and says he prays to God and believes God has had a hand in his life and big Chris, has yet to make a comment. Chris (the other one) is a real challenge to me. He reminds me a lot of myself before I became a Christian - he's very argumentative and cynical -especially about the church and the Bible. I totally understand why he's like this, as people have done a lot to destroy the Bible's message and have turned it's message into a set of rules and rituals. RELIGION - what a dangerous thing! Anyway today he actually admitted that Jesus came
to be our Saviour. It's hard to know what lies in his heart, but I know he's totally suspicious of the money grabbing antics of certain churches and he feels that the Bible is simply a series of teachings on "how to live your life." I feel he's apprehensive in moving forward to allow Jesus into his heart, because he knows that he will be convicted of his lifestyle. Still I believe that God is already drawing him and that by the power of the Holy Spirit, he won't go too much further in his present way of thinking.
October 17th Homosexuality: natural or not?
One of the big questions in the Bible's message of truth - especially from sceptics in today's open-minded society - is, "If God is such a loving God, then won't he love me for whatever I am?" Even after I had given my life to Christ, there was a big battle going on inside my mind. Since I was about 21, I had fairly comfortably adopted the label of being 'gay' or 'homosexual'. Since my mid-teens I had been confused sexually and as I'm sure all gay men will clarify - they were aware of the strange urges for male contact, but because of the unacceptable aspect of it in our society, fought those feelings for a good many years. I think it's important when examining this issue to look not at what society says, but rather God! Society from a completely ignorant point of view may condemn homosexuality at disgusting and immoral, using such 'nice' terms "poof" "queer", "bender", "faggot", "dyke" to make known their opinions. In God's eyes however, there are no levels of sin, no gradient or hierarchy of the more repulsive acts. So God, although Himself detesting homosexuality does not view it any different from other forms of sexual immorality, or lying, cheating, stealing, slandering or criticism. Sin is sin and God is totally pure and holy. So the people who judge homosexuality as repulsive should take a good look at the rot in their own lives first. And gay people who stand up against the Bible and God saying that he should love us for whatever we may do, are just as misguided.
God does love each and every one of us and it is His will for all of us to return to Him and be saved. However, because we are stained with sin, the only way to become clean and acceptable in the creator's eyes is to accept what Jesus did for us, thus becoming clothed and washed in the blood of his sacrificial life.
When I had reached the stage in my life, where I was completely at my wits end and on the verge of suicide, I accepted Jesus Christ as my Saviour. I did this because I had been lost for many years. I was always searching for a meaning to life. I was very much into the club and drug scene, particularly in London and in Sydney. Over the past few years, I had gone through many sexual partners - mainly male, but some female. Even though I liked being with men in this way, I never found a 'soul-mate' and in the back of my mind I could see how shallow and transient the gay community was. The point is, when I prayed for Jesus to save me one evening, it did not enter my head to ask forgiveness for my sins. In fact, most of what I accepted as normal behaviour I did not even realise was wrong, this include homosexuality. I merely thought that I must have always been this way, so I came to Jesus, assuming that somehow the homosexuality would be 'overlooked'!
God in his immense grace and love for me, knew that I was unaware of my sins, but rescued me anyway. Of course He rescued me - He had been calling me all my life, but because I'm the sort of person who doesn't do things by halves - I had to reach the absolute end of everything before I would finally recognise that someone wanted me desperately. This someone wasn't another man, it wasn't cocaine or ecstasy, it wasn't a nice cushy job in television, or the latest designer clothes. This someone was and is and always will be God. It's an unbelievable feeling to look back at the plan He had to draw me towards Him, and I'm sure every born-again Christian can identify with this.
But - what about my sins. I was still homosexual, and God quite clearly says that two men were not made to fit together. "But why?", I thought. I've always been like this. It was a good month or so after becoming a Christian that the Holy Spirit, living inside me finally convicted me that homosexuality was wrong. I had been fighting and fighting this notion, but the Spirit of God kept telling me to repent. I kept saying "no", until I couldn't stand it any longer. I asked God's forgiveness and admitted that homosexuality did not make me feel good. I also asked to be released from those desires. It is important to note that God forgives us for everything, no matter how bad it seems; however, we shouldn't just accept our sins, but renounce them, otherwise healing cannot take place in that area.
As I mentioned, I had grown used to the idea of being homosexual and so assumed that God would by-pass that aspect of my life - not so! Incredibly, once I decided, through the power of the Holy Spirit, that I had never really been happy as a 'gay' man and that it was wrong for two men to indulge in this way, huge revelations came into my mind.
When I was a child, my father was often away on business and would invariably return home late in the evenings. My dad is a great man, very generous and kind hearted and I love him a lot, but the fact remains, I was definitely more mothered then fathered when growing up. I spent a great deal of time in female company and being a naturally sensitive child also, became very timid in male company. I basically had good, strong moral guidance from both parents, but in an imperfect society every child will lose out somewhere.
I had a tough time at school, failing at most sporting activities and becoming more and more alienated from male peers. This nightmare reached its peak in high school, when almost all my time was spent with girls, and listening to the daily abuse from the guys. I was different and when one doesn't conform the trouble starts. Looking back, my sensitivity, gentle nature and 'feminine' qualities were being categorised as homosexual characteristics and this is the lie that society fuels. As a Christian, I now appreciate these qualities as true gifts, but as a young boy trying to survive in school, it is very easy to hate yourself and your characteristics. I am positive that homosexuality is a product of society and not a hereditary gene or mutation in the brain. I feel my circumstances could have been different had I not been labelled something that I wasn't.
Over the last 3 or 4 years, I have made some very strong male friendships, which helped me to regain the lost male bond of my childhood. Consequently, I hadn't been too bothered about having a homosexual relationship for a while anyway. I would make a guess that the majority of men who feel they're gay are searching for security and male acceptance. Those who can accept this as true, need to examine their lives as to why this came about.
Homosexuality is initially about lust, as very rarely do two men get to know each other before sex takes place. Also, the reason I feel that the 'gay scene' is so promiscuous is because guys are continually jumping from one partner to another and not finding what they are looking for. Why? Because all gay men are as lost as each other and cannot fill the emptiness that has been there since the first years of childhood. Also the fear of ageing bodies is prevalent in the gay community, because hard bodies and good looks are the basic requirements for a happy gay life. But what happens when these are gone or never existed in the first place? In my gay state I used to dread the thought of living with a balding, ageing, pot bellied partner. I intended to commit suicide before that would happen. The lies that these boys and men have been listening to for the most part of their lives are incredible.
As far as I'm concerned, there is only one way out - Jesus. Nothing is lastingly possible without the power of God and only He can set us free from the bondage of our past. Most men who believe they are gay will be up in arms at people like myself; they will find every excuse in the book to justify their way of being. However, the ones who are truly unhappy and are willing to admit that their homosexuality has been nothing but pain and suffering, are the ones who God is calling. Jesus died to save those of us who hate our lives and to bring us a new promise of Salvation and hope for an eternal life of glory.
Now for the bad news! Some healing takes a long time. I feel released from the bondage of homosexuality and the other areas of my life that were causing my pain, but a battle still goes on. Old habits are still fresh to the memory and sometimes I will catch myself thinking about sex with a male. However, now I know that this is the lustful part of my flesh wanting satisfaction. I definitely do not want a relationship with a man, because the emptiness that was once in my heart has been filled with love from Jesus. The Devil has often brought up past memories to haunt me or discourage me, but in just 5 months of being a Christian I can't believe how much I have been strengthened. I can control my urges in a way that would never have been possible before, and in truth, I really do not want to sleep with a man again. It's hard to say if I'll settle down with a woman at this stage, because there are so many other priorities in my new life with God, but let's just say, I have a great sense of peace that God is in control and it's something I don't have to worry about.
A few weeks after I had given my homosexual habit over to God, it was shown to me that there was another step that had to be taken. While visiting my former partner I felt at ease until we hugged to say goodbye. All of a sudden I felt uncomfortable and confused. On examining the situation I realised that although the physical contact had stopped, the spiritual ties had not been cut. After cutting the ties between my former partner and myself I felt truly released. At long last I've been freed from the lie of the devil that I'm homosexual.
...........
James is very dear to me, I see him as a son. He in return refers to me as his adopted mum. I thank God that I was able to be of assistance in helping him in his walk with God. My heart goes out to all those people trapped in a homosexual relationship. The prison that the Devil has locked them up in is no different from that of drugs, alcohol, adultery etc. etc. Seven months have now passed since that diary entry. The following are extracts from a letter I received from James since his return to England.
3rd May 1997
I don't know where to begin, but I'll start by saying I miss you and always wonder what you're up to. When I rang Sonja's house, your prayers were well needed. I felt as though so many demons were attacking me, and that God had abandoned me. I didn't have the faith or strength to pray against them, as I knew I had strayed from God, but I felt I wasn't able to repent. It was a horrendous experience! I thought I was dying and my mind was being taken over by darkness. I called a lady I know, before I called you, and asked her to pray for me. She prayed over the phone that the demons would go, but it was as if they were telling me that she didn't really believe they were there. So of course nothing happened. All I could think of was to speak to you, because you understand.
Anyway, just after I spoke to you, I was filled with a surge of strength and faith and prayed the demons out of my life. I can't say things have been easy back here in England. One thing that keeps me sane is the beautiful seaside. The weather has been great, and I thank God for all the sunshine, as I don't think I could cope with gloomy weather on top of everything else.
Brighton is a very cosmopolitan city and there are a lot of gay men living here. Consequently, lots of them try to flirt with me in the restaurant I work in. I must admit, a couple of times I've felt tempted - especially when I'm feeling low or lonely, and on one occasion I almost ended up with someone, but I guess, in my head I was praying for a way out, and it all blew over. Still - I know that I need a lot more healing and prayer, because there are things from my childhood that are unresolved. Anyway, now I can see the emptiness in every gay man I meet, so I'm not tempted any more.
I think I told you on the phone, I've had a bit of a problem with alcohol lately. I really want to stop drinking, but so far, I haven't.
Anyway on to some positive things. I've started doing volunteer work for a homeless organisation. I do one day a week and help out serving food in a drop in centre. A lot of the people who come in are so high on drugs or else totally drunk. It's very full on and a bit draining and although I've only done it twice so far, I had to pray hard during the day for strength and encouragement.
What else? I'm getting quite frustrated being in the restaurant. I wish I could do something more fulfilling, but I'm trying not to complain. I know that God has blessed my life so much already.
-love you and thinking of you loads,
your adopted son
James
A few weeks after receiving the above letter, I received a phone call and we spoke for about 20 minutes. One of the things we discussed was his work place. James felt that the whole atmosphere of the restaurant was too tempting and pulling him back. He therefore made the decision to give up his job and look for another one somewhere else. God honours those who honour him, with the result that James' life took a definite swing upwards as the extracts from the next letter indicate.
27th June, 1997
God has been moving powerfully and amazingly in my life over the past weeks. Since I last talked to you, I feel like I've taken on a new lease of life and for the past few days alone have been on an almost continual high coming mainly from praising Jesus, from the bottom of my heart.
God is so good and I pray to be strengthened daily as this Christian walk is becoming very exciting!! I thank God again, for you teaching me about prayer and fighting the Devil. It's only recently that I realise how Satan was trying to drag me away, but thank God Almighty, for the continual prayers from yourself and others who were concerned enough to bother. And this is perhaps the biggest revelation of my life so far - nothing will happen without prayer. It's such a simple statement and yet I'm sure that so many Christians haven't even realised this.
I've been praying for my sister and she is now a Christian. I went home last month and in less than 3 months she has changed so much. From a fairly depressed girl -overweight and unhappy with herself, she has blossomed into a lady. She loves her job, has lost a lot of weight, changed the way she dresses and has even started wearing light makeup (which was unheard of!). Her eyes are shining and she's made lots of new friends. Praise God.
My dad asked for a Bible for his birthday and is already reading Mark. My mother has finally admitted that Christian Science is wrong. Although she has not given her heart to Jesus, she tells me she has started to pray.
I left the restaurant I was working in because I felt God did not want me in such a heavy atmosphere of drink, gossip and sexual innuendo. I did my best to witness to all the people there and I still hold them up before God, but in the end my personal growth was more important. I feel God has given me a new job. On the 1st July I have an interview. Apart from that, I'm still doing work at the homeless centre. So many people are aggressive and high on drugs or drunk (or both) that I cannot even enter the building unless I know I'm wearing the full armour. I've managed to witness a little, but people are very untrusting, so for the time being I'm just letting God's warmth shine through me.
A friend of mine, Peter, was struck down by a feeling of nausea and dizziness. He had been vomiting for most of the day. When I phoned him in the afternoon (about 4) he was in a pretty bad state. He had a friend with him, a Christian and I asked if that person had prayed for him. He hadn't - typical!! So I offered to pray. Well, when I came on the phone I rebuked the sickness, commanding it to leave his body and not return. I also prayed for God's healing power to fall upon him.
When I visited Peter the next day I heard an interesting story. Ten minutes after I had gotten off the phone he felt much better and when another friend arrived with his medicine shortly afterwards he had said the following. "I don't need to take this. I'm better!" He returned the prescription the next day. Amazing! And yet, this is what we, as Christians should expect. Of course God wants to move in power, but we have to desire him and believe it.
Aside from all that's going on I've had a strange battle with demons lately. One thing I didn't tell you in Sydney, was that for many years I was caught up in pornography. Well, the images from these magazines and movies have been haunting me terribly. Although I've rebuked and renounced it all, sexual thoughts were almost continuously invading my mind. Besides that I've been having horrible sexual dreams - even homosexual ones. Finally I felt the Holy Spirit leading me into nightly prayer before I went to sleep. I asked God to censor my dreams and I actively command Satan and his demons to stay away. I also pray that God will pour light onto my dreams, as many are in darkness. Now the strangest things started to happen.
My dreams are still not completely clean, but I now see them all in the light. I have had two sexual dreams where I have literally turned to the other people in the dream and said, "this is wrong". God is now granting me control in my sleep. Of course the demons are not happy with this and I have been forcefully held down twice in bed, as though there was a clamp around my mind. But in the name of Jesus, I've managed to break out of it and pray away the sheer terror I felt. Now I'm asking God to remove all fear of Satan from me, so I can stand against these evil powers, even as I sleep.
The spiritual realm is so misunderstood, but through prayer, I can now see that God can open my mind to what he wants me to see. Incidentally, when I awoke from the demonic oppression the other night, I cried out, "In the name of Jesus, be gone", and I saw a demon flying from my body and through the wall. It was black, with what looked like a strange tail. Of course, many people (even Christians) will probably think I've gone mad, or say I'm simply having a nightmare. But I now know that there is no such thing as 'simply having a nightmare'! A nightmare is not of God and it is not in God's will for me to continue having them.
I feel like I've babbled on a lot in this letter and I really must finish now, so I can catch the post. Basically I just wanted share with you some of the things that God has been doing. I could go on and on, but these events stand out.
love to you and Rach, please write soon,
James
James' story shows that a person can be totally set free from homosexuality. More than that there is shown a definite growth in his relationship with Jesus.
There are also two instances where I prayed for females. These two women turned from their lesbian relationships to preferring male company. One of them explained to me that in the case of a lesbian the relationship is not primarily based on sex, but rather on companionship.
I encourage anybody who is homosexual to seek Jesus Christ, so that they can release you from a tormenting and frustrating situation. Homosexual men and women, let God give you the right kind of partner, one of his choosing, who will make you happy!
Genesis 1:18,22&23
18/ Then the Lord God said, "It is not good for the man to live alone. I will make a suitable companion to help him."
22/ He formed a woman out of the rib and brought her to him.
23/ Then the man said, "At last, here is one of my own kind - bone taken from my bone, and flesh from my flesh. 'Woman' is her name because she was taken out of man."
24/ That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united with
his wife and they become one.
1/ Fiji
2/ Egypt
3/ Israel
4/ Papua New Guinea
5/ Forgive or I cannot forgive you
6/ Jesus still heals today
7/ Suicide
8/ Long Bay Gaol
9/ Attempted murder
10/ Bathurst Gaol
11/ Angels
12/ How to pray
13/ Cords
14/ Counting the cost
15/ The heart condition
16/ Lorraine
17/ Dracula - fact or fiction
18/ If you love me
19/ Being gay
20/ Faith
21/ Roots
22/ Malaysia
23/ Fiji revisited - 1997
24/ What Jesus means to me
25/ My diary entries
26/ Conclusion