Hey,
I'm glad you wrote. Your mom told me a little bit about you and the
struggles you've had. Let me tell you a little bit about me.
Not too long ago I was in Amsterdam, Holland doing drugs alone for
almost two weeks. I had finished going to school for
about two months in Ireland and I was really just waiting to go to
Holland because the drugs are cheap and legal. I went alone
because most of my friends were nervous about going with me for one
reason or another.
I grew up in a Christian home and my dad is even a pastor. I tried to
do the things that were right but it never seemed to work
out. Every time I would quit smoking or drinking or whatever a test
would suddenly come that was more than I could bear.
I always believed there was a God, and I was pretty sure I knew which
one He was, but I couldn't figure out why I couldn't live
up to His standards or where He was. It basically took destroying my
life to find Him. All the things that I thought were
important were taken away one by one.
I was really ashamed of how it had all turned out, but I didn't feel
like I could really confide in anyone totally. I was happy to tell
them the good things, but the things that were really under the surface
were just too painful. I couldn't really hang out with
Christians cause I always felt like they were better than me somehow,
and it just made me uncomfortable. I didn't understand
them at all really. Some seemed really hypocritical and others were
just unexplainably happy. They all seemed distant to me.
God has informed me quite a bit lately that He is much bigger than me
or my circumstances and He chose to intervene. I had
signed up to work at this Christian camp, strangely enough, and I went
straight from Amsterdam to California to tell kids about
Christianity (which I wasn't much an example of). I tried doing this
for a while until He finally broke me. I thought I had it all
together, but I was really confused most of the time deep down. I just
couldn't admit it to myself because then I would have to
own up to things that were easier just to ignore.
Someone had given me a book long before and I had brought it along for
some reason. I sat down to read it and everything
starting coming to the surface. All the lies and sin and junk that
I had always considered past tense in order to retain some
sanity came flooding in. He gave me a gift. He let me repent. I had
tried pleasing Him before. I had tried solving my problems
before. I had tried running a lot. I had tried so many things. But
in the end I was out of strength and excuses.
I came to a realization that day. I'm full of sin, this I knew. And
I knew Jesus died for me on the cross, but I don't think I really
believed it. I mean He forgives, but that's for people who don't do
it again or something is really what I thought. What He
showed me is that He is so wild about us, He's so in love with me,
Rob, that He'll do ANYTHING to draw me to Him.
What is sin? It's something that separates us from God. Why would God
care if I was separate from Him or just did my own
thing? Is it because He's mad that I messed up? Or that He is just
waiting to damn me to Hell? Nope, it's because He is so in
love with me (and you) that it breaks His heart, ruins His day, and
really makes Him sad when I separate myself from Him.
He's just that in love with each of us. He doesn't care about the rules.
He doens't care about whether I show up to church or
not. He cares about knowing me. Knowing my heart. He put something
special into each one of us. There is nowhere in the
entire universe, past, present, or future that He can find that unique
thing. We are each more precious than all the world
contains. We are so precious and He thinks so highly of us that He
came and died so that He could give us all He has.
I've heard a lot of people quote John 3:16. But I never heard anyone
quoting John 3:17. It says He didn't come to condemn the
world; He came to save the world. God is love, period. He doesn't care
how dirty and rotten I am, or how many problems I
can't deal with. He cares about me! That's it. He'll take me garbage
and all.
Well, once He really showed me all this stuff I felt really good. All
sorts of healing started taking place, and I really started
loving life. We started talking to each other on a regular basis, not
because I had to but just because He rules. He also took
some things away from me.
I smoked my first cigarette in 4th grade. I was hooked by 7th and tried
to quit at least twice a year every year after. Well 10
years later He said that's enough, I'm going to help you out. I haven't
smoked one since. He just removed the desire to smoke
is the only way I can explain it. I had no after affects or withdrawal.
It was the same with the drugs and alcohol. He just washed
it all away. I wish I could say that I tried hard or did something,
but I'm helpless.
Psalm 103 says He knows our frame; He knows were are dust. We really
think highly of ourselves. We think we can do so
many great things, but really all we have that is really ours is one
gift. We have the gift of choice. Jesus is too humble to force
himself on anyone. He will always let you say no. Otherwise you aren't
free, you're just a robot. But He knows that He made us
with basically no strength. He never meant for us to exist independant
of Himself. He is our strength, our deliverer, our friend,
our everything. Without Him we are just a waist of time...and dust.
There is scripture that talks about His knowing the number of hairs
on our head, but I didn't know that He keeps track of our
wanderings too. He writes them in a book. Have you ever loved anyone
so much and been so fascinated with them that you
actually wrote down in a book how many times they go to Exxon a year,
and how many times they move a toothbrush over
their teeth on average, and how many times you blink your eyes in a
typical year? I don't understand it, but He does it. I'll never
understand His love, but I get to spend eternity enjoying and living
in it.
God's really a lot nicer than I thought He was. He knows all this stuff
better than I do. He's not dead. And all He requires of me
is one thing. I just have to say "yes". That's really all I can do.
And it's really all He commands me to do. All that other stuff is
stuff He does. I just rest and watch Him work through me as crazy as
it sounds.
I know this thing is long, but when I start talking about Him I get
excited. He's ruined me. I no longer want anything but Him.
I'm no good, I don't know why He had so much mercy on me, but I know
it's free for all. Which is good cause I could have
never afforded it.
I used to think when you prayed you had to say a lot of religious words
and stuff. But He really just wants to talk. I know one
of His favorite prayers of mine was the one I started with last summer
when He broke me. I said "Jesus, I don't have anything. I
just screwed up everything that You ever gave me, and honestly, I don't
have any desire to really change. I know I need you,
but I don't have any strength left. I need You to give me desire for
You. I need you to do all this stuff because I never could
and still can't." He knows all my thoughts anyway so I just told Him
what was really there. He likes that for some reason.
The bible says He forgives 70 times 7 times and then more. There is
no shame at the foot of the cross. There is no
condemnation and guilt. There are also no demons at the foot of the
cross. I didn't know those things were still around until
lately. I thought it was all just me and how rotten I was. True I have
a choice, but the bible also says we don't struggle against
flesh and blood, but against demons and other little nasties. I'm starting
to understand more of what that means.
If I can answer your question about help I think the best place for
you to find it is Jesus and your parents. This is no pat answer.
I'm praying for you because I know how miserable I've been and can
imagine what you are going through. But Jesus has given
you some real weapons to fight with. Your mom's prayers have real impact,
and if you want out of that vicious cycle He got me
out of and that it sounds like you are still in then there is a way.
There is no shame at the cross so honesty (bringing sin to the light)
is the best way to get rid of that stuff. I'll write more about
this stuff again if you'd like, but I think He's telling me that's
enough for now. I'm really glad you wrote, and I would love to hear
from you anytime. I have a really incredible book that helped me a
ton. It's just a testimony by this guy who did a lot of coke
and God rescued, but man it really helped. If you need anything just
write back. I'll be praying for you xxxxxxx.
From: "Rob Coe" <[email protected]>